Thursday, January 13, 2011

fear, unworthiness, and faith

When I came to the realization that I was pregnant in November, about a million things went through my mind, but I want to talk to you about 3 major themes that these thoughts could be categorized into:  Fear, unworthiness, and faith.

This pregnancy came as a shock to both of us.  We weren't going to really start trying until January, and we had recently talked about waiting even longer, so that Rhett could start school, we could get some bills paid off, and we could get more prepared for parenthood.  Well, obviously these were not the plans God had for us.

I had the fear that Rhett would be upset that this had happened, and I am happy to report that he was more excited by the positive pregnancy test than I was.

I had the fear about how my body would tolerate this pregnancy.  I didn't know if my heart would handle this well, if my lupus would cause more problems, or if I would have problems with my blood clotting and potentially causing some major complications.

I had the fear that we wouldn't be able to afford this.  I have always wanted to stay at home with our babies, and we have been actively saving for a "SAHM fund" since March, but would it be enough?

I had the fear that since I was changing jobs (more about this in another post), that it would be too much change all at once.

I had the fear of an unhealthy baby.  After being a pediatric nurse for so long, I have been inundated with sick kids.  I have seen so many different diseases, from cancer to birth defects to terrible life altering accidents, that it has always made me worried that this would be my fate.

And I worried that I had been drinking too much diet coke before I realized I was pregnant.....out of all of these fears, this is the one that makes me laugh!

In several different aspects of our lives, we have been inundated with couples who are struggling to start their families.  Several women in our Sunday School class are struggling with infertility and all the feelings that go with that.

Another couple is aware that they are in fact infertile and they are struggling with adoption.

Others that I either know or know of have dealt with recent miscarriages, deaths of the fetus late in pregnancy (38.5 wks), or infant deaths shortly after birth.

I look at all these women who have been struggled so much with what many would consider the most guaranteed female roles, and wonder why we have been blessed with conceiving so easily.  I was SURE that it would take us a long time to get pregnant, that I would probably miscarry (because of the lupus), and none of that has happened.  I struggle with the guilt of not initially being overjoyed when I looked at the positive pregnancy test, when so many of those women close to me would give nearly anything for the same results.

And through all these questions and concerns, God has a plan for us.  There is a reason that I am pregnant, and I have found a great peace in regards to all the fears that I have highlighted previously.

I have been blessed with a healthy pregnancy.  I have had some pretty difficult and lingering  morning sickness, but as a fellow coworker said to me, "It means that baby is healthy."  At the most recent ultrasound, baby has 1 head 2 arms, 2 legs, and a strong heart rate.

Through everything, I feel so blessed.  I have been given an amazing opportunity and can't wait to see where everything leads!


Melissa E. said...

Hey lady! I'm so happy for you! I just wanted to let you know that many of your worries and concerns are very normal. Even after 2 births, 2-3 healthy pregnancies and being 35 weeks pregnant I have many of the same worries. It's the mommy gene!!! Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding! And remember that the uncomfortableness usally goes away!!! YAY!!! Hang in there!

Melissa said...

I was worried about a lot of that stuff too, but It really will work out. Hang in there. These are some happy times. Love ya'll..

TIffany said...

Sooooo excited for you guys!!!! Thanks for sharing your heart! Praying for all three of you!

Amber Joy said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, Kelley. I'm so happy for you guys. There is nothing like being a mom... You just thought nursing school was hard!! ;)

Anna said...

Congratulations on the precious life growing inside of you. Pregnancy is such a scary, wonderful adventure in trusting God, isn't it? :)

d.a.r. said...

I think that the roller coaster is probably normal. Thanks for sharing this!! Lots of prayers for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby!

Marmie said...

I am so happy for both of you and can't wait to see what we have! Love ya both and remember it is all in GODS hands!

Janet said...

My dear sweet Kelley, You have been a fighter all of your life and God has a wonderful plan for you,Rhett and the baby. Ya'll are going to be awesome parents. Your Dad and I are so excited!!! Love you both.

Callie Nicole said...

I'm so happy for you too, and I'm praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby! I'm so glad everything is going so well. :-)

Anonymous said...

Healthy baby AND Healthy Mommy! Where are the pictures of your bump? I think these feelings are normal! God is most definitely in control!